Saw you today

I saw you today.
You looked terrible.
You get like that when you dont feel well, dont get enough sleep, or dont eat enough.
I used to love you.
But I walked right past you today.
And I barely saw you.

falling in again....

Frick....
He literally is amazing,
And he does it every time...
I think I still have feelings for him...
But then Again I can't.
It isnt okay.
My internal organs were threatened if I dated him again.
And there is someone else....
But he cares again...
wasnt that my 11/11/11 11:11 wish?...



I have found the roads that diverge,
The one less traveled is what Mr. Frost proposes.
But what do I do if I can't tell which is traveled,
Which is not.
Tell me what to do.
Tell me if these paths converge....

Heart of hearts

My heart hurts....not in the  same way was my broken liver...
But it still hurts none the less.
I refuse to show emotion until after you are gone.
Me, of all people, getting upset and shit might just make this whole process worse on you love.
Then there is the other one...
He is always on my mind.
This is terrible. Tragic even.
I can't handle these two things at once.
I want her to stay so badly...she is literally one of my closest friends...
And I just want him to care about me again....
But neither one of these things will happen...
And my heart will just keep hurting....

Condradiction....

I walk and talk.
I swing I dance.
My smile never gives away chance.
I look so happy.
That's what you want me to be.
It's a show,
An act.
I jsut don't want you to see.
The giant contradiction,
That is me.

The future, Tom-folery, and life

I have been thinking a lot.
About my future.

There is no way that I will ever be normal. It is over rated.
So is the real world.
I am going to touch peoples lives.
Not sure how. But I will.

Being a child of a divorce I know that marriage doesnt always last forever.
I will not get a divorce.
When I marry my future husband I want to turn gray with him.
I will stay with him and never leave.

I also have decided that I will never be with a "normal" guy.
With my luck we will meet some crazy way.
Have a story.
Have real love.

I just have to

Wait.

Gunna givce all my secrets away...

Secrets by one republic.
Good song.

I believe in second chances for everyone.
Just so you know. That was yours.
 =] Later Lovely.

here it goes again

Yup, its coming back.
I'm going numb again.
This is how it goes....
I wanna break this cycle...
There is a flurry of everything around me and almost none of it is making sense.
I know what I want.
All I want is a real hug.
From you.
And for you to call me "pretty" again...






and mean it.....

The Past

I know about yours.
Mine isn't much better.
But, I am trying.
Ya know?
And it sorta seems like you are to...
There is the chance.
Microscopic really.
Could I change you?
I'm not sure I could chnage anyone...
Am I another "stepping stone"?
Another heart along the trail?
What do I do?

Just nice people..

Ever notice how there are those genuinely nice people in the world?
They don't know they are nice, they just are.
They are kind.
They are gentle.
They don't mean to be but they love everyone.
Unconditionally.
When those people come close to me...
I hurt them...
Not on purpose...
But I am basically just a bad person.
Who hurts nice people on accident...
But without fail....
You should get out while you are still ahead...=/

what i can do

I can stil turn around.
Run away.
Leave nothing but a blur of blond.
I hurt people.
That's all i ever do....
I can save you from it...
Eventually my blue eyes will be a memory,
a thought,
A legend,
A myth..
Nothing...
But...this could be something good...
what i needed....
But that again is selfish...

Here come the drums....

The pounding is there,
Either dull or loud...
Always a pounding.
Forever confounding.
My thoughts diverge.
My attentions converge.
I am unable to fulfill this task,
It is to much to ask.
I will crumple,
And fold.
To the drumming ages old.

Just once okay? =]

Look over your shoulder,
Notice me.
Meet my eyes.
Share a look.
One of understanding, acknowledgement, trust.
Please see me.
Let me know this isn't in vein.

For the sake of a rhymn

Waking up it seems,
From a life full of haunting dreams.
I can see through the haze,
Moving to happier days.
I have more than I used to.
More than I believed.
I can hold my head high.
And show the world what I've achieved.

you, me and the bird in the cage

The past is the past,
And between you and me,
Whats left is just a bittersweet memory. =]

Things that are going away. NOW.

1.) My coffee addiction. Cold Turkey. No more.
2.) Soda...not cold turkey. Only 24oz a day.
3.)Crap food? no more.
4.) Worrying. What will happen will happen.

Things that are coming back. NOW.
1.)Daily exercise...A lot
2.) Good food, green pretty tasty.
3.) "de-stress" time.
4.) Art.

That's how I need to be. Or I will explode. It is what it is.

shell

yes, i have been different lately.
This is what happens when everything someone has gets sucked out of them
at the same time.
This is to much to deal with....

If I would have known that all these years later I would have still been feeling this way..
I would never have left you.

Screws seriously loose...

What the hell is wrong with me?
Why do I care if he is dating someone again...
Why does it matter to me?!?!
It shouldnt. I've been with people since him!
But it wasn't the same...
What the hell is wrong with me.
He is past me, why can't i be past him?

yup

A piece of furniture.
The room is filled with it.
And I am just another piece of it

Malice?

Call me jaded.
go right ahead....but,
I wish i could feel something.
Other than this...

Cling to

I know that soon.
Snow will fal and my world consume.
I will long for days like these.
Careless, and warm.
Sitting in the calming breeze...
on biter days,
I will cling to memories of these.

observin in nature..aka the quad

The breeze through my hair,
it reminds me that you're there.
I see you in front of me.
First in the grass, the bench,
Now the tree.
I clutch to the notion
I grasp at the thought.
I know that you are here.
For its what i am taught.
With this simple wind,
I am reminded that you are forever.
You are what I should search for.
What I need in me.
I just have to look.
In the flower, breeze or be.

Stockholm?

Learn to love the things you hate...
And hate the things you love...

oldie but goodie?

Here I sit and think of you.
Here I lie and dream of you.
Do I want this to be real
Or do I let go and try to heal?
Do we go our separate ways?
And simply remember the "good old days"?
We gave it one last shot,
Or so I thought.
You say maybe later.
And tell me not to hate her.
What is it I want from this dream?
Is it you I want?
Thats how it seems.
So dare I trust my heart one more time?
Or shall I let it break into another lie?

=] well guys

Hello roommates, random followers, trollers, and that one pedophile. =]
Back to school means back to blogging...
have i figured myself out? heck no.
do i want to? not really that means im growing up....
did i find someone? yup yup
Hows it going? we will see. =]

I wrote some stuff over the summer,
ill post it eventually.
Tell me what you think =]
Honesty begets greatness as they say.

Till then =] Much love

my bad ya'll =]

no posts lately due to savin lives (new job lifeguarding/swim lesson giving.),  having as much fun as humanly possible this summer,finding myself a man who cares for me, and figuring out what i am.
=]
here is to figuring myself out!

Ahh, i remember this. =]

Don't laugh when I say I'm lost in your eyes.
i know its a line used over a million times.
But if i could swim in a sea of blue and green,
Id just stay there for all eternity.
It's simple and small,
This note that i wrote,
But it says it all,
More than i hope,
I love you more,
with each passing day,
and i hope that our love never goes away.

whelp

real relationships are overrated...
what ever this thing i have going on is okay by me.
i might never get real relationships right
i mess them up and im never good or pretty enough for him.
so whatever this is,
its okay for now.
I'll settle down when its
"time"....

immature post =]

the tv said "tv  MA and mature audiences only."
giggle giggle.
definately does NOT describe that people who would watch it or me =]
This is the girl who didnt want to post a new blog cause it would mean i didnt get to see "69 posts"
=]
"He's so gay he poops skittles." bahaha. i love comedy central at 2:31 in the morning.

my words....

Call it sad,
Depressing if you will.
You pretend these are words to kill.
Alas, you wont see,
What these things could be.
Don't read it at the top,
Look a little deeper,
Spare a little thought.
I write to express.
Not to have a reader depress.

It happened again...
He told me he was still in love with her...
I was destroyed.
again.
I dont think i could take this again

Are you okay?

You ask me often,
And the answer is the same,
I'm fine, I'll make it,
It's no big deal.
I push aside my pain and the emotions that I feel.
I tell myself to grow up,
Not to throw up.
I don't want to fake it.
Just live until tomorrow.
He hurt me so bad,
Threw me into another time of sorrow.
Fast and hard is how I fall...
Is it to much to ask for his all?
Another name onto the list,
of men whom I've barely kissed.
I am more shattered than what you found...
For to my heart and long lost love
I'm forever bound...

In my ears....

Whisper to me the secrets of the sea,
Explain to me the stripes of a honey bee,
Let me know I'm never alone,
Show me a path that none have known.
Please, Please
Tell me your secret.
I swear that I will forever keep it.

How many?

The other day I was asked how many guys it took to turn me into this beast,
My reply?
One.
Him.
And everyone after who was just like him.
But he was the start.
And the end.
Honestly?
There have been four that made this savage.
All with their own lie and line.
But it was him that broke the heart never to heal.

frick

uhm.....
What do you want from me?
What the hell....
I constantly feel sick.
I want to jump in the water and let myself drown.
I am treading water....
In that gray space..
ugh...take me now.

Song of the summer

I'm not sure I'll make it,
But watch how good I fake it =]

Just so you now...

I miss you....
A Lot...
It hurts so much...
But I've only known you for a short time.
=/
Is that weird?

Words that I'll never say...

There is a secret
Hiding in my soul.
There is something,
That very few will know.
No one can know,
If they do that means its real.
If they do then they will have to know what I feel.

The rain

And the rain will crash without a sound,
The noises of a young girl drowned.
Her eyes are empty,
No soul, life or light.
Her eyes are dry,
No more can she cry.
She looks up to see,
The clouds cry in her stead,
Her emotions and life never feed.
She can go on just one more day,
And promise the lie,
That she is okay......

Hello dearest d-bag.

hi trevycakes.
Every word you said to me was a lie.
Go you!
You officially or just like 90% of everyone else in my life.
So you don;t matter anymore. =]
And ps. You totally deserve her.
She plays the same games as you.
Enjoy your own medicine prick. =]
Love, Kate

Insane =]

But it is when we are in the very grips of insanity, when nothing and everything is flying around in our heads. When we are disillusioned, messed up, and at the deepest depths of the insane...
That finally, our world, our lives, our dreams, hopes, fears, and words...
They are clear.
It all makes perfect sense.
But only at the deepest of insanities...

Someday

One day you'll read my words,
They'll be burnt inside your head.
You will know they aren't for you.
That to me you now are dead.
I've gone on with this life,
Though it hurts,
It isn't right.
But when I'm lost inside my thoughts,
When I'm alone at midnight,
Nothing of you I'll know,
Nothing of your liar's show.

One day

Gee, I hope that one day I can look and act like a nasty crack whore Just. Like. You.
Angry? whose angry...not me..

Games...the good kind

Literally we have just spent the last hour talking about video games.
Like when the new Zelda game comes out(one month and one day exactly)
We went to science camp together.
You have literally the best personality ever.
Why can't you live closer to me?
We could be such better friends than we are...

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning...
I remember this all to well..
I just broke the cycle...
But it was so easy..
It would be all to easy...
To fall into it again...
Sometimes I want to..
Would you think worse of me if I did?...
Cause right now....it seems like that is all that could help....

Run

There are times I want to freak out.
I want to run away.
As far and as fast as my legs will go.
That's how I used to deal.
How I made it so I didn't have to feel.
I want to just disapear.
Then you will be filled with fear.
You would know it was your fault.
That you were to blame.
Then again you don't deserve that fame.
You ripped me and tore.
You will never know the pain I bore.
I never want to speak, touch, or feel again.
I just wanna run..freak out..
Break away, leave, and never ever come back.

new flippin record

I was home two days.
TWO FLIPPIN DAYS.
And I get in three huge fights with my mother...
and fight with him..
Thiss time it was bad...it ripped me up and killed me on the inside.
Now he is out of my phone, off my facebook friends, and out of my life.
I realy really hate this place.
With a passion.

Facebook

My status was an "I hate myself I'm never good enough" sort of thing...
You wrote what I needed.
You said I was good enough for you.
If only you knew how much that meant to me....

A good ole' country song. =]

I kinda wish that life could be like a country song.
You know that Miranda Lambert song? "Only prettier"?  I kinda wish it could be like that.
If someone is a jerk just say "Well bless your little heart.."
Or that Toby Keith song? "Bullets in the Gun"?
Where life's like "wild horses when they run"?
Well anyways. That would be great wouldn't it?
Simple, dirty, down home, and good.
That would be awesome.

Really again?!?!

Every single time I have something really fun, really important to me, or just important in general...
What happens?
I get really sick.
Frick. this seriously bites....

Heads up

We aren't in high school anymore.
I know that was the only time you mattered...
And you won't go anywhere in "real life"
But please. Keep your petty bull poopie to yourself.
I'm done with you and everything.
Kthnxbye!!!

Sleeep

My eyelids slip,
Into a dismal state.
I'm trying so hard.
Just to keep awake.
I need to surrender
To this temple's desire.
Close my eyes, and no more tire..

A couple a couplets

Why do I write in couplets so much...ever notice it?
For claiming to have almost to rhyme scheme I have noticed one..
It's kind of funny, cause I don't mean to do it. It just happens.
Does that make me a terrible, for lack of a better word, writer?
Hmmm, ponder that if you want.
=] I'm going to go and enjoy the weather..or a sandwich..
Maybe the weather AND a sandwich. =] hmmmm yummm, that sounds perfect. 

A thousand words

An implication means a million things,
To try and figure what the future brings.
An implication can mean so much...
Like whose invited and whose a crutch.
It's like a language that is universal.
That every has constant rehearsal.
But what of those who cant understand?
Those who are implyingly illiterate.
Implication dyslexic, or just meaning non-considerate
Just be out right,
Straight forth.
And say what you want.
If you want me there.
Tell me.
Don't imply.
Cause I can't read into it.
Not now, or ever..
I don't even want to try.

A reflection??

You're going to self destruct....
One more shove, push, jab, or step..
You're on the edge.
Treading on a ledge,
It's going to self-destruct.
It took all of twenty years to construct.
Changing your basic ways.
Putting on elaborate plays.
The box office is empty,
No on likes the show.
There isn't a single filled up row.
Stop the charade.
End the show.
Simply let who you are.
Who you really are..
......grow....

Am I broken?

I can't think like that..
I can't reason or rationalize...
It's hard to see through those eyes...
I want to understand but can't
But try to see...
That this is me.
I don't get it..
But try to see..
What I think to..
Please don't get frustrated or annoyed...
I'm just broken..
I was raised as a boy...
Girls confuse me..
These hidden words abuse me..
Please just see that...

searching...

Do you ever feel lost?
Ever feel like life is covered in frost?
Like your running in a circle..
A never ending cycle.
They've all asked whats wrong..
I say nothing...
or eh...
You don't understand...
You can't because not even I do...
I feel drained..
Like I'm getting trained.
This is dull and mundane.
I'm being driven insane...
I'm in a good mood...
It's just....offf....

Just so ya know...

Talking to you helped a lot,
Way more than you know.
I was confused and upset,
I didn't know where to go.
I saw you were on.
And there it was.
Now its better.
And I wanted you to know...

For you =]

You wonder if any of these are for you..
Your words sworn to be true.
Well if you can guess,
Then the answer is yes.
These lines are laid down
With a certain one in mind.
I wont leave you behind.
I wont let you down.
I will leave your name a beautiful sound.
So this one is for you!
Enjoy and know it.

Ends

I say we run to the ends of the earth,
Turn around
Stare at the sadness and mirth,
Try to remember
What we left behind
Try to then put it from our mind.
Im going to run to the ends of the earth..
Then try to remember,
Exactly why,
I didnt do it sooner...

hehehe

There is something in my head,
Something in my bed!
There is another in the room!
Soon it will consume.
I will soon be gone.
But fear not!
For my Knight will come!
Wait?
He is purchasing gum?
Then I'm done!


April fools??
Oh! and hi world..rememeber how i said i wana be a science teacher.......wwwwhhheeelllll....
=] say hello to an education and visual media communications double major!
hehe guess i'll never make up my mind =]

head heart and soul

My head it hurts.
By brain it aches.
Trying with its might,
No sense it makes.
You stick on a label.
Generic as sin.
But do you take the time to look within?
I hurt,
I feel.
I am more than a project.
No more cocktails and concoctions,
Let my body object.
I want to be free,
From all those restraints.
And simply be me...
No labels,
No constraints.

Never have I ever....

Its a drinking game..truth...
But its an interesting way to get to know people...
You find out things like "never have I ever.....eaten anchovies."
Sometimes its trivial...other times...it is deep..
So...
Never Have I ever...
...been this scared for another person.
...been able to explain what is wrong with me.
...allowed myself to forget who and what I am.
...forgotten who and what made me this type of person.
...wanted a companion this badly.
...felt this lonely in a crowd.
...felt like I was completely excepted by someone.
...felt like I was good enough...

Those are just a few...
I thought I would share...

The other shore...

Why hello over there,
With your long away stare.
Can you read me like a book?
From right to left,
With a single look.
I think I'm doing well,
I don't often get caught in your swell.
But sometimes the wave that you are...
Catches me up,
Sweeps me away,
And lets me think thoughts that are,
Like your stare...
Far..
Far..
Away....

Blahhh

The thoughts in my head,
Will remain unsaid.
I want to stop trying.
I want to stop crying.
I wasnt made for this,
I'm not wired that way.
Not sure what you want from me,
But direction would be lovely.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

I really wonder what you think i am?
Do you really think im that stupid?
I have had this ridiculous crush since last semester.
It hasnt gone away.
It wont.
Im not that stupid.
I can see things I know things.
Do you really think it matters to me?
Things change with you constantly.
I dont know what you want from me.
But if you cant be honest?
Well i dont know then.
I dont change. this is me. like it or get over it.
Just because im good at masking my emotions, feelings and desires....

Forget it.

No one reads this thing.
No one cares.
Duh, thats how my life is.
I'm at the bottom.
In the pit.
Thats all and it.
I hate complaining and caring.
So bye.

Pennsylvania=]

This place is the place I was born.
In the winter it look "dead" to most people.
But they don't stay around long enough for it to be born again.
It is a beautifaul place, even in the middle of december.
There are more things here than one can remember.
Call it backwoods,
Call it hick,
Call it redneck, or whatever you pick.
But hang around here for long enough,
You'll see.
That PA isn't such a nasty place to be. =]

Getting to know me

I am a burden,
I am a fright.
There is no one I will fight.
I want you  to see.
I want you to know.
How can I show the world.
This girl that most people see,
That is not the real me.
I am a perplex paradox...
I am a walking contradition,
The signs point to fail,
But signs don't prevail.
The world is going to know,
That little girl is someone they should get to know.

Phone call =]

wow, i used to be one of them. =]
I led that life style.
He called and asked if i was home and if i wanted to hang out.
He was messed up i think.
And hearing it i laugh.
I used to be a part of that world.
But now I am out.
I have God.
I'm good bro. =]

An island.

It often seems,

Like I'm out in the middle of a sea.

There are none around,

It is just me.

You have all promised you would not lie,

None of you would make me cry.

I'm not sure you understand.

To me a promise is binding.

It is sealing.

Do you know the girl with whom your dealing?

I have spent years lied and used.

I am honest that is true.

That is all i expect from all of you.

This idea and fear has put me on an island.

It has often been only me,

Out here alone in the sea.

God is here, 

that is true.

He doesn't lie or cheat or use.

But I find it hard to trust all of you...

And I am not sure what to do...

I pray to God that I find it out... 

And can finally get off this island of perpetual doubt...

drowning...

There are assignments in the air,
Almost more than I can bare.
You are acting like that again...
And it sure ain't helpin my friend.
I am a swimmer in the water..
Not in an over dramatic slaughter.
I am tired of dealing with this crap.
You've gone back to her.
Ignored me in vain.
With all the work I need to do..
The last thing I want to care about is you.
I have more work than could ever be..
So dear friend let let go of me...

a wish....

Its not what its cracked up to be...
That life you wanna see...
It starts out only as once..
Then you get enthralled...
It starts as fast and fun...
Then you just want to be done.
There is nothing new,
Day to day.
People are all the same and never what they say.
I want you to see.
It isn't as cool as they say.
Its lonely and hollow.
Nothing happens no matter how many drinks you swallow.
I love you.
I want to protect you.
I lost my innocence...
I want you to keep yours.
Nobody who meets you can forget you.
You have helped so many.
You have helped me to see.
Now refuse to let you be me.
I know you are frustrated and confused.
And you simply want to prove.
But let God seal your heart.
Don't play this part.
Understand that how you are is amazing.
People like you are rare.
You are good and you care.
Don't let that get wrecked.
Please.
This is to ask you.
Nay, beg.
Please.
I love you and don't lose yourself...
Please.

Irony?

I thank God for my roommate.
She has a Valentine,
but she, like me doesn't enjoy the "holiday"

Before you call me cynical,
I never have.
Even when I had a Valentine.
It is silly and very capitalistic.
As a girl who tries to live outside of consumerisms....
I don't completely enjoy it.

But im neither depressed or upset...
Simple passive.
The cute couples don't bother me.
And being alone doesn't bother me either.

It's okay, and someday I'll have a man who understands that I don't need a holiday to know he loves me. =]

This never ending...

You have me convinced,
A feat I can't even do.
I hope you to hate me,
I hope to hate you.
You've got me hooked,
Lined and sunk,
I don't want to trust you,
But I want nothing more.
Looking into a human sea...
There is one face that come into focus clearly.
My eyes and heart
They are like a lense.
They see you...
And my heart breaks and mends.

One of THOSE days...

It isn't a bad day....
Its great...
Its random,
and fun,
and the PERFECT day to wear a strange sweater =]

And that children is why you never, ever, ever let the zebras out of their confinements.  =]

A Circle...

We spin around,
Blur the ground.
Take a picture,
Take a memory.
And  then it will go away.
Growing closer to tomorrow,
I'm done with histories sorrow.
Then sun will rise,
And then my life's surprise. =]

Well here we are again. =]

I haven't been in these parts for a while....
Life updates?
I have been crushed.
literally.
Like put into a blender on puree.
I have applied for a new summer camp job...
I have found new inspirations for my writing...
and I have found out that...
I can weather any storm...

killing me....

I think this might literally be killing me....
I've been in a content game of tag with the real world...
one minute im high, the next i dont have a computer.

One second i get a laptop cord, have my computer, have a great night with my roomie....
Then i get a phone call....and life decides to call no tag backs....
I dont even care where i stand with him now...
We talked thats that.
But the one person who is supposed to be my rock...
She crumbled...
And i feel like that six year old cowering in the closet again....

Home.

my home has always been where my favorite people are.
never a physical attachment to any single place or building.
And now here, i feel like i have finally come home.

do i?

so..hypothetically there is a girl...
who hypothetically still likes a guy....
but this guy keeps liking all of these girls...
who are basically skinny and beautiful....
the hypothetical girl?
not beautiful
does she stand a chance?